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Musings of a Married Crossdresser

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  It has now been a year since 5/4/15, which is when I began wearing panties under my mail clothes 24/7.  While my wife and I still love each other, it has been a bumpy road, in that it has impacted my relationship with her.  I have often considered what I could do to help my relationship with her.  However, I don’t think that there is any way that I could go back to wearing men’s briefs.  My wife also made that decision easier for me in that even if I were to go back to wearing them, it would not change anything for her.  As she puts it, she no longer sees me as a man, and has no desire to be a lesbian.  Over the course of this year, I realize that I have been becoming more and more accepting of my feminine side, and allowing myself to express it even when dressed as a man.  The truth is that I am just allowing myself to be who I really am.  There are many reasons why I have not yet decided to present as a woman full time.  However, I also realize that when I dress as man, that I am just acting like a man, but when I dress as a woman, I am being myself.  
 
 The older I get, the less I care about who finds out about Michelle.  Over the last year I have had a number of shopping trips where I have picked out women’s clothes, tried them on in a dressing room, and purchased them.  That being said, I still try to be is inconspicuous as possible.  I arrive either early when stores are just opening.  I will also go shopping on a weekday, during the day, when I am on vacation.  I recently went to JC Penney for a week day trip.  I asked a sales person where I could try on a dress, and was advised to use the men’s dressing room.  She did not appear to be at all surprised by my request.  I have been to Old Navy, and Forever 21, both of which have unisex dressing rooms.  In both cases the people monitoring those dressing rooms were courteous and were not surprised by what I was doing.  I have also been to Savers, Goodwill, the Salvation Army, and various consignment shops, where the salespeople were also happy to have my business.  It feels wonderful trying on dresses like any other woman.  I encourage any of you to give it a try.  Just try and find an out of the way location, where you can be less nervous, and give it a try.          
 
 About two years have gone by since I saw a video of a MTF transgender surgery that changed my life for ever.  At that time, I wondered if that was how I could look, and if that is how I should have been born.  A lot has happened over the course of those two years that has caused me to consider and reconsider whether I should have that surgery.  That decision has made me think long and hard about the concepts of sexuality and gender indentity.  There were many times that I thought that if I were to transition 24/7, then the next logical step would be to go for transition surgery.  However, while I ultimately now believe that I am transgender, and may someday want to live 24/7 as a woman, that is only how I view my gender.  Having had a variety of experiences while expressing my feminine persona, I now realize that ultimately sexually I am still attracted to women.  That being the case, there is no need for me to have transition surgery.  I just need to find a woman who likes to be intimate with someone who presents as a woman, but who ultimately is able to still perform sexually as a man.  My greatest  hope is that one day that woman will be my current wife, the love of my life.   
Thanks Michelle

 

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About cdinyc2012

Crossdressers International Incorporated is a member-supported adult transgendered group focused on support and social activities, serving the New York City metropolitan area. CDI is qualified as a non-profit corporation under section 501(c) 7 of the federal tax code. In the beginning, as stated in “Our History”, our founders envisioned CDI to be an all inclusive, welcoming haven for those seeking to come to terms with their transgendered nature. While the majority of our members and friends identify as cross dressers, we have served as a refuge for those who identify as transsexual, drag queen, and gender queer as well. Historically, our focus has been on the m-f crossdresser/transgendered. However, we do welcome those who identify from the f-m experience. While many of our members are long time comfortable with their transgender identity, we have never lost sight that our basic mission is to stand ready to provide a welcoming sanctuary for those who are taking their very first steps of self discovery. We know from our own experience that this can be a frightening time for those who have been closeted. The fear of loss of family, friends, employment, and standing in ones community can be overwhelming. And all for merely being gender different. Even today in our changing times the fear of discovery, ridicule, and worse can be terrifying for those who are attempting to safely practice their gender expression. WE are here for you. We make no claims of being “expert” in any matters, yet through our individual and collective experience we are highly knowledgeable. CDI also serves as a resource center where we can direct you to qualified professionals should that be desired. In short, we believe that groups like ours help to save lives. Sometimes just a welcoming smile and spoken kindness can be enough to assure someone (and maybe that’s you!) that they are not alone. For whatever reason each of us were dealt this hand from birth. For years many of us have considered it a curse. At CDI we believe that once liberated from the isolation of the closet that in time you will come to see your own transgenderism as a “gift”. So whether experienced or not, come - We welcome you, and we exist for you!

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