I previoulsy submitted a video of male to female transgender surgery. Prior to viewing that video I had a vague idea of how it was perfromed. However, seeing the actual process from beginning to end was a life changing experience for me. That video, and the Katie Couric interview with Jazz Jennigs made me reconsider how I identify myself. Up until that point I had always technically considered myself a Transvestite, in that there was always an element of erotic pleasure with my expression of my feminine persona. However, I now realize that I may have been sublimating my true feelings. I had always said that I would never consider sexual reassignment surgery. Now that I have seen how a vagina is created, what the end result looks like, and how well it can work, it has changed how I view the surgery. When I got to to the end of the video my final thought was that this is the way that I actually could look, and maybe is how I actually should have been born. I now wonder if I am truly experiencing gender dysphoria, and just was not admitting it to myself. I am not ready to start living my life full time as a women yet, but I realize that I need to do more to express that side of my personality and let femme me out to play more often. While it is very graphic I do think that any gurl should watch it. If they watch it and still have no thoughts about ever considering it, then they can feel safe that they will never cross that bridge. However, they just may find that it impacts them as much as it did me.
Throughout my life I have had a recurring dream where I am in a major city, and I find a store that either caters to crossdressers, or a womens clothing store where they are open and encouraging to men who wish to purchase womens clothing. I now realize that my dream can become a reality. Over the many years that I have enjoyed dressing in womens clothes, I went to Michael Salem’s TV Boutique in the 70’s, Lee Brewster’s in the 80’s and 90’s, and more recently to Glamour Boutique in New Jersey. I have gone to many consignment stores, Salvation Army, Good will, Savers, at Halloween Time. I have also shopped for things at other times of the year and if anyone asked I would say I was purchasing something for my wife. I will never forget the first time that I went to a consigment shop close to Halloween, and was able to try on a variety of dresses. The woman who owned the store remarked to me that it was fine with me purchasing women’s clopthing, and not to worry if I wanted to shop at other times of the year. Being able to try on clothes in her store was invigorating and exciting. Having her acceptance and approval was something I cherished. That store closed shortly there after. I once went to a Bare Necessities store to purchase a bustier, and had to return for a larger size. The woman who waited on me asked me if it was for me and I said yes. She then proceeded to show me some other items that I might be interested in. Both of those events took place many years ago, but I will never forget how they did not judge me, and treated me with dignity and respect while making purchases in their stores. This Halloween I went out and bought two blouses for myself at Savers. It once again felt fantastic trying on those items before purchasing them, just like any other woman. What my shopping this year made me realize is that my recurring dream is about shopping in the real world. That my dream can become a reality. That our world is changing, and we can all be a part of that change by holding our heads high, and venturing out into the real world.