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Doctor Kit: Gender Therapist

Dr. Kit Rachlin is a gender therapist based in Manhattan

Dear Dr.  Kit:

I would like to ask Dr. Kit in her experience what percentage of her TG/CD clients like to play with other gurls and/or admirers when they are dressed up. Hugs. Michelle.

Dear Michelle,

I don’t keep exact statistics, so I can’t give you a number percentage.  The answer is “a lot!”  As your question implies, not everybody does play with other people.  Some people dress only in private.  They may prefer that because they enjoy the ability to become completely absorbed in their own thoughts and their own image.  For others, it is a lone pursuit because they are ashamed, shy, or do not have a partner to share the experience of being dressed.  And of course some people do have partners, but the partners do not want to see them or play with them when they are dressed up.

The words “like to play” suggest that the person actually does play.  Certainly a great number of people would “like to play”, but never actually do.  So, let’s turn to desire before we discuss actual experience.  Research shows that most crossdressers are heterosexual, that is they identify as men who are sexually attracted to women.  It makes sense, then, that many of those would like to have sex with women while crossdressed.  They may think of themselves as a man or as another woman in this sex act.  Those same people who want to have sex with women may also be turned on, or even more turned on, by the idea of sex with another crossdresser or by the idea of having sex with a man while dressed as a woman.  This is not a typical homosexual desire, as they are not turned on by the idea of two men together.  It can be a lesbian or heterosexual interest if they envision themselves to be women in the encounter.

Now, to move from fantasy to reality, with a stop in the virtual world. The most common contact people have with others is on-line.  They flirt and “play” with other gurls and/or admirers virtually through photos, email, Skype, and text, without the risks associated with a real meeting.  Every day I hear stories about clients who are turned on by photos of other people crossdressed.  They admire the other gurls and want to play with them.  Clients in therapy often want to analyze the desire for crossdressers or transgender women who have male genitals.  We talk about it, but it is very unlikely that anyone will ever uncover the “why”.  All one can say is that they can appreciate the particular appeal and sexual allure of blending gender in this way.  Do they feel understood and accepted more by someone who crossdresses?  Do they see a female person who has similar history and sex drives? We could come up with lots of theories.  The internet affects some people by encouraging a desire for new and more unusual sexual interests.  One may go on-line originally looking up something rather common and months later be caught in an unrelenting drive to see more and more unusual and extreme scenarios.  This can be the path for people who start with some private crossdressing earlier in life and then find the wide world of crossdressing pornography on-line.

Most people I know would like to have a real playmate who will love them when they are dressed.  Play can be an expression of a sexual drive, but is often much more.  When you are a crossdresser then you need someone to desire you when you are – crossdressed.  If a crossdresser is in a marriage, or relationship with a person who is unable to love the partner crossdressed, that will always be a source of sadness. As you know if you’ve been around for a while, other gurls are sometimes admirers and male admirers may have a feminine side as well.  I hear complaints that the admirers are too focused on sex.  But I have met admirers who are sincere and would love to have a special relationship that includes emotional closeness.

Why would crossdressers be different from anyone else?  People want to share their sexual turn-ons with other people, whether part of a fun and casual friendship or a more serious loving relationship – Which makes this the perfect topic for Valentine’s Day.

Happy February.



About cdinyc2012

Crossdressers International Incorporated is a member-supported adult transgendered group focused on support and social activities, serving the New York City metropolitan area. CDI is qualified as a non-profit corporation under section 501(c) 7 of the federal tax code. In the beginning, as stated in “Our History”, our founders envisioned CDI to be an all inclusive, welcoming haven for those seeking to come to terms with their transgendered nature. While the majority of our members and friends identify as cross dressers, we have served as a refuge for those who identify as transsexual, drag queen, and gender queer as well. Historically, our focus has been on the m-f crossdresser/transgendered. However, we do welcome those who identify from the f-m experience. While many of our members are long time comfortable with their transgender identity, we have never lost sight that our basic mission is to stand ready to provide a welcoming sanctuary for those who are taking their very first steps of self discovery. We know from our own experience that this can be a frightening time for those who have been closeted. The fear of loss of family, friends, employment, and standing in ones community can be overwhelming. And all for merely being gender different. Even today in our changing times the fear of discovery, ridicule, and worse can be terrifying for those who are attempting to safely practice their gender expression. WE are here for you. We make no claims of being “expert” in any matters, yet through our individual and collective experience we are highly knowledgeable. CDI also serves as a resource center where we can direct you to qualified professionals should that be desired. In short, we believe that groups like ours help to save lives. Sometimes just a welcoming smile and spoken kindness can be enough to assure someone (and maybe that’s you!) that they are not alone. For whatever reason each of us were dealt this hand from birth. For years many of us have considered it a curse. At CDI we believe that once liberated from the isolation of the closet that in time you will come to see your own transgenderism as a “gift”. So whether experienced or not, come - We welcome you, and we exist for you!

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