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Gender Awakenings

Posted on
 (a response to a report in the CDI bulletin about two girls who turned away from cross dressing completely)
The question you ask this week about TGs reversing course is very interesting. I was about to send in the same question myself. However, asking this question to this groups is a little like asking a group of men at a brothel if they know of anyone that has given up having sex with hookers. Ironically there are two very similar reasons for that. First, how many men do you know that are willing to admit that they frequent brothels. How many gurls do you know that are not secretive about their private lives. If someone stops being a gurl, they tend to deny the existence of that world, mostly because they are forcing themselves to sublimate an urge that they don ‘t want to allow to exist, due to the pain that it can cause in their lives. The second reason is that if a man frequents brothels, it is because he enjoys it. Similarly, if a gurl goes to CDI, it is because they enjoy being a gurl, and don’t want to stop. Therefore, I will be amazed if you get a lot of response. That being said, we have all heard, and read stories about gurls who purged everything, rejected the life, only to come back full force, some time later. I am one of them. I have lost track of how many times that I have purged myself, only to eventually have an even bigger wardrobe. About twenty years ago I went to therapist whe specialized in gender identification therapy. At that time my therpist thought that she had cured me, and I thought that I had been cured. However, a few years later I was at Karalyn’s Oasis. At the present time, I have not been out fully dressed for just over eight months. I have a variety of reasons why I have not. The biggest one is that while my wife is aware of that side of me, and does not stop me form doing it, she blocks it out of her mind. I love her more than life itself! I would do almost anything to please her. How can I do something that I know displeases her. The answer is that I do it when my desire to do it, overcomes my ability to sublimate it. As with most woman, her tolerance of it ebbs and flows,as does my desire to do it. If you are familiar with some of my previous emails, you know that my need to be a gurl does not appear to be as strong as with some of you. I don’t need to go out once a week, or once a month. However, a few days ago, I was thinking about what I would do if I were single again, I have to admit that I would probably do it more often. The simple fact is that like many of the other gurls, I hide it well, and don’t want to risk the issues that would come with being outed. Ironically, my wife wants me to be happy. We have come to an arrangement where I will just tell her that I am going out to sing Karaoke, when I am really going out as Michelle. Kind of a don’t ask don’t tell marriage. Right now it is the best of both worlds for me, and I don’t have the guilt of really lying to her. However, I also have a friend that has given up our life for about the same amount of time. However, I think that she truly may have given it up, and is doing it for basically the same reason. After being a part of our world for all of their marriage, her spouse has decided that they can’t accept it any longer. They are giving it up, in an effort to save their marriage. I am staying in touch with them for a variety of reasons. First and foremost we have become friends, and I want to help them through this difficult part of their life, regardless of where their life takes them. I am also very curious to see if they really can stop for good. There you have it, two of us who have tried to stop, and one who has been successful, so far. It will be very interesting to see what you hear from the other gurls. However, I can remember at least three times in my life, when I really thought that I was done with, only come back to this life even more intently. Therefore, even if someone says that they have stopped, is it just for now?????
Thanks Michelle.
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About cdinyc2012

Crossdressers International Incorporated is a member-supported adult transgendered group focused on support and social activities, serving the New York City metropolitan area. CDI is qualified as a non-profit corporation under section 501(c) 7 of the federal tax code. In the beginning, as stated in “Our History”, our founders envisioned CDI to be an all inclusive, welcoming haven for those seeking to come to terms with their transgendered nature. While the majority of our members and friends identify as cross dressers, we have served as a refuge for those who identify as transsexual, drag queen, and gender queer as well. Historically, our focus has been on the m-f crossdresser/transgendered. However, we do welcome those who identify from the f-m experience. While many of our members are long time comfortable with their transgender identity, we have never lost sight that our basic mission is to stand ready to provide a welcoming sanctuary for those who are taking their very first steps of self discovery. We know from our own experience that this can be a frightening time for those who have been closeted. The fear of loss of family, friends, employment, and standing in ones community can be overwhelming. And all for merely being gender different. Even today in our changing times the fear of discovery, ridicule, and worse can be terrifying for those who are attempting to safely practice their gender expression. WE are here for you. We make no claims of being “expert” in any matters, yet through our individual and collective experience we are highly knowledgeable. CDI also serves as a resource center where we can direct you to qualified professionals should that be desired. In short, we believe that groups like ours help to save lives. Sometimes just a welcoming smile and spoken kindness can be enough to assure someone (and maybe that’s you!) that they are not alone. For whatever reason each of us were dealt this hand from birth. For years many of us have considered it a curse. At CDI we believe that once liberated from the isolation of the closet that in time you will come to see your own transgenderism as a “gift”. So whether experienced or not, come - We welcome you, and we exist for you!

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