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Gender Awakenings-Michelle

 I have some thoughts about the fragility of our lives in the CD world, and the impact that our spouses/families can have on it, which will probably spark some interesting responses from some of the other members, and give you some editorials for the next few bulletins. Anyone that has a spouse that truly embraces, and or encorages their CD life, is an exceptionally lucky person. There are so many of us that have had to purge themselves of their feminine things over the years, to avoid being outted by family members, and know all too well the feelings that go along with it. The self loathing that causes us to hate who we are, because of how it can turn our lives upside down, when the wrong person finds out about us, and condemns us for it. Is it really possible for us to have a healthy marriage, with a spouse that knows who we are? Are we better off living a lie, than risking everything that is important to us, by sharing who we really are with our spouses? Based upon what I have seen. There are very few women that can really accept us for who we are. Most of them are repulsed by us, and would prefer that we be “Normal”. When I met my current/second wife, I made the choice to tell her, very early on, in our relationship. Things that she did, at that time, lead me to believe that she could accept me for who I am. However, here I am, 11 years later, finding out that she really wishes that it would just go away, that she would rather pretend that it does not exist, and what she really wants is her husband back. I have considered purging. Is there anyone out there that has really been able to stop expressing this side of themselves, and live totally as a man. I have never had the desire to make a full transition. In addition, based upon my experiences with other gurls, it appears that the frequency with which I express this side of me is not as great as some other gurls. However, all that being said, I have not purged. I have done it too many times before. Each time, I have bought more things, than the last time, and had more things to purge. As much as I love my wife, and would love to be the man that she wants me to be, I also know who I am, and accept who I am. I have not purged fo that reason. I hope that I am able to work through this with her, but someday my life could take the same path that it has before. I may be ending another relationship, hoping to find someone new, who can accept me fore who I am. However, does a woman like that really exist? Maybe we really can’t expect a woman to accept us for who we are. Maybe we have to decide to either hide who we are from our spouses, or give up the idea of having a having a marriage with a spouse who can accept us. Ultimately this can be a very lonely life, for that reason. I would be very interested to hear/see the thoughts that others of you have regarding this, and how it has impacted your life.

About cdinyc2012

Crossdressers International Incorporated is a member-supported adult transgendered group focused on support and social activities, serving the New York City metropolitan area. CDI is qualified as a non-profit corporation under section 501(c) 7 of the federal tax code. In the beginning, as stated in “Our History”, our founders envisioned CDI to be an all inclusive, welcoming haven for those seeking to come to terms with their transgendered nature. While the majority of our members and friends identify as cross dressers, we have served as a refuge for those who identify as transsexual, drag queen, and gender queer as well. Historically, our focus has been on the m-f crossdresser/transgendered. However, we do welcome those who identify from the f-m experience. While many of our members are long time comfortable with their transgender identity, we have never lost sight that our basic mission is to stand ready to provide a welcoming sanctuary for those who are taking their very first steps of self discovery. We know from our own experience that this can be a frightening time for those who have been closeted. The fear of loss of family, friends, employment, and standing in ones community can be overwhelming. And all for merely being gender different. Even today in our changing times the fear of discovery, ridicule, and worse can be terrifying for those who are attempting to safely practice their gender expression. WE are here for you. We make no claims of being “expert” in any matters, yet through our individual and collective experience we are highly knowledgeable. CDI also serves as a resource center where we can direct you to qualified professionals should that be desired. In short, we believe that groups like ours help to save lives. Sometimes just a welcoming smile and spoken kindness can be enough to assure someone (and maybe that’s you!) that they are not alone. For whatever reason each of us were dealt this hand from birth. For years many of us have considered it a curse. At CDI we believe that once liberated from the isolation of the closet that in time you will come to see your own transgenderism as a “gift”. So whether experienced or not, come - We welcome you, and we exist for you!

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