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Living with Gender Fluidity

My gender seems to change, depending on what’s happening in my life at the moment, or what part of my brain is dominant.
When I’m deep into the left side of my brain, doing something scientific (like writing a computer program) or mathematical (like doing my income taxes), I’m a heterosexual male, in dress and behavior. I think of him as Gary. He’s the persona that developed according to societal norms.
When I’m deep into the right side of my brain, I call myself Mikelle. She’s a pansexual tgurl who loves to dress and put on makeup.
When I’m straddling the middle, I’m a bisexual gurly boi, whom I think of as Mikey. Although Mikey doesn’t dress, he wears mascara, nude lipstick, panties, women’s shoes and pants or shorts that can pass for men’s unless you look closely.
The problem, of course, is my live-in girl friend has a great deal of difficulty wrapping her head around all this. She wants to see things as gay or heterosexual, not the reality of my gender fluid nature.
However, she is trying, in her own way. She gave Mikelle a lot of her clothes that she can no longer fit into. She also helped me pick out the right shade of foundation at Sephora today.
She still can’t deal with seeing me dressed, so I can’t do it when she’s home, which is a lot.
We’re going to start couples therapy within the next few weeks to start dealing with this issue.
We’ve been together a long time and we both want the relationship to work.
Thanks Mikelle



About cdinyc2012

Crossdressers International Incorporated is a member-supported adult transgendered group focused on support and social activities, serving the New York City metropolitan area. CDI is qualified as a non-profit corporation under section 501(c) 7 of the federal tax code. In the beginning, as stated in “Our History”, our founders envisioned CDI to be an all inclusive, welcoming haven for those seeking to come to terms with their transgendered nature. While the majority of our members and friends identify as cross dressers, we have served as a refuge for those who identify as transsexual, drag queen, and gender queer as well. Historically, our focus has been on the m-f crossdresser/transgendered. However, we do welcome those who identify from the f-m experience. While many of our members are long time comfortable with their transgender identity, we have never lost sight that our basic mission is to stand ready to provide a welcoming sanctuary for those who are taking their very first steps of self discovery. We know from our own experience that this can be a frightening time for those who have been closeted. The fear of loss of family, friends, employment, and standing in ones community can be overwhelming. And all for merely being gender different. Even today in our changing times the fear of discovery, ridicule, and worse can be terrifying for those who are attempting to safely practice their gender expression. WE are here for you. We make no claims of being “expert” in any matters, yet through our individual and collective experience we are highly knowledgeable. CDI also serves as a resource center where we can direct you to qualified professionals should that be desired. In short, we believe that groups like ours help to save lives. Sometimes just a welcoming smile and spoken kindness can be enough to assure someone (and maybe that’s you!) that they are not alone. For whatever reason each of us were dealt this hand from birth. For years many of us have considered it a curse. At CDI we believe that once liberated from the isolation of the closet that in time you will come to see your own transgenderism as a “gift”. So whether experienced or not, come - We welcome you, and we exist for you!

One response »

  1. Mikelle, this is a really nice post. i really like the word you used – pansexual – its so open. I relate to your three identities – its healthy to be diverse. and i’m hoping for the best for you and your girlfriend. its great she is sharing her older clothes with you.


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