I don’t pass. I’ve never really suffered from that delusion. It is neither a curse, nor a blessing: it just is. Sure, I work on my voice and walk. I’ll pitch my voice higher, but it’s never high enough, and if I go too high, I sound like a dragged out Terry Jones on Monty Python. I try to walk in a straighter manner, rocking my hips side to side, but inevitably I’ll go back to old duck walk.
Another problem is my height and size. At 5’11”, I tower over most woman and men, and forget when I wear heels, which I do a lot of the time. I know I’m asking for trouble, but by God I love high heels and I’ll suffer the slings and arrows of a hostile society for them. Now that’s love baby.
All this said, I’ve been living full time for about 4 years. I never felt as though these limitations should stop me. Personally, I like how I look. Most transgendered people I find attractive have a combination of both genders,which to me is an ideal, so using this criteria, I have no problem feeling happy and sexy when I walk down the street in broad day light.
Not all days are like this though: like any woman, I have my bad hair days. I feel self conscience, and that everyone is staring at me.
Over the last 4 years, I have developed certain tricks and techniques to deflect the feeling that society is pressing down on me. Here is a list:
1. Listening to music on my headphones. (This is helpful when walking down a very busy NYC street.)
2. Reading an engrossing book while I commute.
3. Walking Meditation-I learned this from Thich Nhat Hanh. Just concentrate on your breathe as you walk, and concentrate on the way your body moves(I find this particularly helpful when working on my femme walk!).
4. Taking the advice of Quentin Crisp, in that you should never look a person in the eyes, nor under any circumstance, speak to a person unless they want to speak to you.
5. Concentrating on your physical environment, ie buildings, factories, stores, trees, nature; anything other than the people who are around you.
What do you think? Does this sound healthy? The problem with the above “tricks” are that they are incredibly isolating. In filtering all the negativity out, you filter the positive out as well. They are good tricks to start off, when you first come out, but you can’t hold onto them.
So there is really only one technique:
1. Stop thinking about yourself!
That’s right. Stop thinking that you are different than everyone else. It’s a tricky mind set to attain, but it can be done. Move away from the interior world and behold the rich tapestry they call the human race. I know this is counter intuitive to everything I just said, and harder to achieve, but it is far more gratifying. Look at the people around you. Study them. Imagine what they were like when they were children. What will they be like when they are old and wrinkled. Study the way people converse, their reactions. Look at the way people dress. How beautiful. How ugly. How unique. How perverse. You are them and they are you, no matter who tells you differently. Like them you were born, like them you live, and like them you will die.
How beautiful it is.
Peace and love