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Gender Awakenings-Mona Part 1

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  -Gender Awakenings (the first of 4 parts..very blunt..very specific..hence, very much worth reading !)

Omaha, NE, 1956:

I was 5 years old. I lived in a four family apartment building on the outskirts, at that time, of Omaha.  There are single family homes to the east of me, and nothing, but absolutely nothing, of cornfields and the periodic tornado to the west.  (Tornados?  The one in the Wizard ain’t got nothin’ on the real thing!)  The Dairy Queen was only a nickel and the drive in theatre was THE place to be.  The local supermarket had coupons for free admission to the driver of the car to the drive in, and kids under 12 were free.  As my father was a ‘traveling salesman’, I think my mom and I saw more 50’s MGM musicals than anyone.

I can very vividly recall the day my mother went downstairs to retrieve a load of laundry from the dryer.  As she had more to bring upstairs and fold and sort, she asked if I was ok, and disappeared again to the basement laundry.  Here, before me, was this enormous pile of freshly laundered bras, panties, and my old man’s boxers and tee shirts.

I do not remember exactly how long it took, but I soon found myself totally fascinated by this white, cotton contraption that my mother wore to cover her breasts.  I tried it on.  I probably had it on backwards or upside down, or inside out, but I had it on and it felt right, as if this is what I was supposed to wear.  Wearing a bra was right for me!

When my mother returned from the mysterious, dark, basement place known as ‘the laundry’, she asked if I was ok, and what I had been doing in the three minutes she had been gone.  I told her.  I told my mom that I had tried ‘this thing’ on. 

Mom:  “oh”?

Me:  “yes…it was fun”

Mom:  “Well, ok, but those are for girls, not for boys”.

Me:  “ Oh, OK”

 And that was the last of my experimenting with my gender presentation at that time.

 I DO however recall, while in Omaha, this kid named Danny who lived in the same building as me.  He was close to my age and we used to do all kinds of boy/kid things together.  Our families did things together .   I remember Danny’s father took me hunting for my first time.  And our families went water skiing together on a local lake.  This is where I first realized that Danny had an older sister!  Looking back, she could not have possibly been more than 10 years old, all ankles and elbows, but how wonderful she looked in that 1950’s style, one piece bathing suit.  THAT’S WHAT I WANTED TO WEAR!  That image stayed in my head night after night, after night, for years!  I would fall asleep with the dream of me wearing that bathing suit.  But of course, those were for girls, not for boys.  Maybe I should have been a girl? 

 Red Bank, New Jersey, 1958:

Now 7 years old and in a new town and a new school.  My only real friend/playmate was a girl named Christine.  We’d played together often for a few weeks until my father came home and decided I should be with guys, not girls.  I often wonder whatever became of her. 

Shrewsbury NJ, 1959:

My parents bought a new house in this idyllic suburban town, and I started the 3rd grade in another new school.  New kids, made a few new friends, and I started raiding my mothers wardrobe on a regular basis, certainly every chance I had.  Poor woman had no idea what was going on in her closet and dresser every time she left the house.  It was fun, it was exciting and I really liked the way I looked.  This continued all through my elementary school days.  I remember the one time my younger brother ‘caught’ me.  Dumb me forgot to lock the bedroom door.  There I was in mom’s heels and hose, and a short little car coat she had that I used as a dress, and my brother laughing his butt off screaming “I’m telling, I’m telling”.   My heart pounded, my face turned a brilliant red.  I ‘de-girled’ in record time and finally convinced my brother I was just trying a Halloween costume.  I guess he bought it, because mom never said anything about it.

Shrewsbury NJ, 1963

Sixth grade class play.  ‘A Mid Summer’s Night Dream’.  All the ‘guys’ had to wear black tights and short tunics.  WELL SIGN ME UP!  TWICE!  I WANT IN THIS PLAY! I kept and wore those tights for I don’t know how many years!  I remember coming home from school, getting rid of school clothes, putting on those tights with a long, white shirt.  Mom wasn’t sure what to make of it, but never really said anything—to me—she did mention it to my father however, who quickly put the kibosh on my ever wearing tights again.

Thanks Mona



About cdinyc2012

Crossdressers International Incorporated is a member-supported adult transgendered group focused on support and social activities, serving the New York City metropolitan area. CDI is qualified as a non-profit corporation under section 501(c) 7 of the federal tax code. In the beginning, as stated in “Our History”, our founders envisioned CDI to be an all inclusive, welcoming haven for those seeking to come to terms with their transgendered nature. While the majority of our members and friends identify as cross dressers, we have served as a refuge for those who identify as transsexual, drag queen, and gender queer as well. Historically, our focus has been on the m-f crossdresser/transgendered. However, we do welcome those who identify from the f-m experience. While many of our members are long time comfortable with their transgender identity, we have never lost sight that our basic mission is to stand ready to provide a welcoming sanctuary for those who are taking their very first steps of self discovery. We know from our own experience that this can be a frightening time for those who have been closeted. The fear of loss of family, friends, employment, and standing in ones community can be overwhelming. And all for merely being gender different. Even today in our changing times the fear of discovery, ridicule, and worse can be terrifying for those who are attempting to safely practice their gender expression. WE are here for you. We make no claims of being “expert” in any matters, yet through our individual and collective experience we are highly knowledgeable. CDI also serves as a resource center where we can direct you to qualified professionals should that be desired. In short, we believe that groups like ours help to save lives. Sometimes just a welcoming smile and spoken kindness can be enough to assure someone (and maybe that’s you!) that they are not alone. For whatever reason each of us were dealt this hand from birth. For years many of us have considered it a curse. At CDI we believe that once liberated from the isolation of the closet that in time you will come to see your own transgenderism as a “gift”. So whether experienced or not, come - We welcome you, and we exist for you!

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